Grains

The first order of business is grains. Growing up, and until the last couple of years, I held onto the old idea that grains should be the base of food pyramid. Each meal should be based in grains and anything else was just bonus nutrients. I thought that grains were the gold standard for nutritional value.
Then I started thinking about it. The government subsidies of grain production explain why the USDA endorsed them as the basis for nutrition. Grains are cheap, versatile, and are one of the easiest sources of energy (calories.) Hence, corn-fed beef is higher in fat and in Omega-6 fatty acids while grass-fed is leaner and higher in Omega-3 fatty acids (more on that later.)
I've started to realize that my whole basis for nutritional understanding has been entirely skewed.
So, now I'm trying to re-define what good nutrition means to me and my first step is removing grains from my regular rotation. I cannot say that a grain product will never cross my lips again, but I can make an effort to not eat them frequently.

starting the cleaning process

I want to clean up my eating. Actually, I've wanted to clean it up for about 4 years now. I've been in either a state of very slow improvement or steady decline for so long that I can't quite tell the difference. Perhaps I'm better off now than I would be if I hadn't been working on this for so long or perhaps I'm just not making any progress and in fact regressing little by little.
I have gone from not thinking about food 80% of the time to not thinking about it about 20% of the time, when I'm asleep, though I find that I dream about it, too.
These are my issues: I have some minor health problems like Hashimoto's which is an auto-immune thyroiditis that I take meds for. This is something that is not necessarily curable and generally progresses as one ages until the thyroid is entirely non-functional because the body has destroyed it. The only thing that really does help to stop the auto-immune reaction is changing one's eating habits. I also have some food sensitivities that rear their ugly, stinky heads occasionally, somewhat sporadically, and seemingly inconsistently.
I like to eat and create new and interesting foods, but I'm finding more and more that I can't handle food like I used to. For starters, with an auto-immune disease there are foods one should avoid - inflammatory foods - like grains, sugars, dairy, artificial crap - basically everything good and delicious. Ideally, I would eat a diet of whole foods, primarily vegetables, some meat, occasional fruit, the paleo way of life. But for whatever reason, when I attempt to implement simple guidelines, that I KNOW would benefit me greatly, I can't do it. I fight back (against myself) like I've been imprisoned and desperately need to break free immediately.
I'm nearly 30 and I feel like this, one of my most basic needs, MUST be met because it should be the easiest thing I can change for my own betterment and yet it is by far the most difficult.
As I said in the beginning, I have been working on this for 4 years, always thinking that I'm on the cusp of making that one change that will implement a total transformation in how I think about food, but never getting there. I've been looking for the event that will signify my time to change, the book that will alter my whole perception of life, the day when I will wake up and say "That's it! I'm done! I'm doing what's best for me because I want to and I know how to." But, sadly, those things have not yet happened. I still hope that they will, but I'm realizing that perhaps it's not an epiphany-type experience. Perhaps it's not a black and white moment. Perhaps it's not a turning away and never looking back decision.
Perhaps it is each moment for the last 4 years, strung together, zig-zagged up and down across the progress chart like a Missoni knit on crack, moving, at least, instead of stagnating. Perhaps it's having the courage (or not caring anymore) to put this "out there," publishing to the world of semi-anonymity that I DON'T have it all together, I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and I make stupid, unhealthy decisions everyday that I KNOW hurt me and I KNOW are not positive progress, but I continue to choose them over and over and over again because they taste good.
Perhaps it is all of these things, rolled up together and unrolling over time into what is perceived as life. But, each moment is a choice, each meal is a choice, each bite is a choice. I just need to accept that the only one responsible for those choices is me.

Unbelievably Low-Sugar Ice Cream

Over the past month I have been working hard at reducing my sugar intake because 70% of what I usually eat is sugar. I use stevia, which is an herb, to sweeten things. It's a different kind of sweetness than that of sugar and you have to use a good brand or else it can be terribly bitter. I use KAL stevia powder and I only use a pinch at a time. The best results that I have had are when I use stevia in addition to a greatly-reduced amount of sugar. For example, when I make banana bread the recipe calls for 1 1/4 cups sugar but I use about 1/3 cup of sugar and a couple of pinches of stevia. You really can't tell the difference.
So, I have developed a killer ice cream recipe for Berry Cheesecake ice cream. You can modify this in several different ways to make lots of different varieties, but basically, you don't have to have lots of sugar to have good ice cream.

Mixed Berry Cheesecake Ice Cream
(use any variety of fruit, frozen or fresh [frozen helps to speed up the freezing process of the ice cream])

1 pkg Cream Cheese, softened
1 cup ricotta (optional, if you can find a good, smooth brand, there's no reason not to use it)
1/2 t almond extract
1 t vanilla
2 T fruit-sweetened jam (you could use store-bought, homemade, or sugar, honey, or syrup if you're not making a fruit ice cream)
stevia to taste (I'd start with a pinch and work up from there. I use about 3 pinches total.)
Beat until smooth
2 eggs (use farm eggs unless you want salmonella)
Beat until smooth
2 cups cream
Beat until smooth
(I would taste it to make sure it's sweet enough, you could always add more stevia at this point, though the fruit will make it a little sweeter, too.)

Let it chill in the fridge for a while and then process it in your ice cream maker like any other kind. I add the frozen berries after a couple minutes of processing, but you could probably add them at any time.

The finished product is delicious and not lacking in flavor at all. My kids and husband both loved it (in fact, it was dubbed 'the best ice cream to date') before I even revealed it's low-sugar status!
Enjoy!

There is a lesson that I find myself reiterating to my kids. It is "the only person you can control is yourself." I'm usually offering this as direction/consolement to my older daughter as she desperately tries to direct the little one to do her will. It's a sort of relief to know that you are only, truly responsible for controlling yourself. But, it also proves difficult when you realize just how hard it is to do so.

I have been taking early morning walks for about 5 weeks and it has become my favorite part of the day. It's a time when I can rest in the promise of at least 30 minutes of solitude. I take the opportunity to pray, reflect, and be at peace with my life and the upcoming day. In fact, I often repeat "I am, at peace" with the rhythm of my breath.

There is an area of my walk where I descend down a hill about 2 blocks then turn and ascend the other side. I have found that during the descent I inevitably start thinking negatively. I'm not sure why this is. I do think of this part of the walk as the darkest, but otherwise there is no negative connotations. But for the past 5 days I have noticed that I will start to have negative, stressful thoughts. My breathing will tighten and when I pause my thinking to reconnect with my breathing, I see that I am heading down hill, both literally and figuratively.

I realized today that much of these negative thoughts are based around my interactions with other people. Particularly, how I want these interactions to be different. As I was walking up this hill I realized that the only thing that I can really do is control the way that I feel. I can't make someone else act according to my sensitivities, but I can practice not being offended. I can't make someone else not talk about things that bother me, but I can work on being supportive and moving the conversation along. I can't control anyone except myself. It's not easy and it's not comfortable to go into life knowing that little or no control over anything besides the way you think, feel, and most importantly, respond. But this is a goal - to be more aware of my own reactions and feeling and strive to control those instead of avoiding situations that I am uncomfortable in.

Before and After

Remember? This is what our basement room used to look like.

Dark, crappy, cold (but you wouldn't be able to tell by what the kids wear.)

This is where Jake first started tearing out the old gas fireplace.


Then.... 3 weeks of hard labor and little sleep turned into THIS!

Here's a closer view of the ceiling and lighting.

Now we have a warm, cozy, comfy place to hang out.

Today was my second day of work as a jeweler's apprentice. I like the idea of being an apprentice - I get paid to learn. My boss (master?) is very trusting in my abilities. I have 4 jobs that I am working on right now. One is to make a pair of heart earrings out of gold. I learned how to roll gold, through a big pasta machine type press, then I cut it with a saw frame, file it, and polish it. Today I worked on making an ingot of gold into a wire via lots and lots of rolling through the press. The press is powered by a large (manual) crank, so my crankin' arm may be a little sore tomorrow. The ingot started out about 2 inches long by 1/2 inch wide and 1/4 inch thick. The wire that I ended up with is about 5 feet long and about a 1mm thick square.
Tomorrow I get to melt gold and pour an ingot, pull the wire I made (which is currently square) into round wire, cut that wire into little rings and solder them together and onto my heart earrings, and probably lots more.
While I can't wait to get into work to see what I get to learn, it's really strange to be away from home for an entire day. I haven't not been at home for over 3 years, and never for 8 hours at a time. Luckily, I'm only working 3 days a week. I hope it becomes more comfortable, this is only the 2nd day.

Melissa,
These are the earrings that I have left, I think. I need to check to coffee shop to see if anything has been taken. This Friday there is a bazaar where I'm hoping to sell some. Let me know if you want any. I'll check to see if I have any others.
-Lil