Today my older sister has offered to watch the kids so that I can escape for some time alone. I was telling my husband about this and how when I have these opportunities I ultimately feel like they get wasted. (Not that kind of wasted, Kalin.) When I get in the car alone it feels empty. It's nice to drive without playing the color game, but it's a shock to not have ideas siphoned into my head by a 4 year old. Space is the thing that I really want, but I'm so out of practice that it feels lonely in a whole different way. I think that this is the great paradox of motherhood.
On my journey out I am going shopping for pants. For the last year I have been buying clothes that I assumed would fit at a future time thinking, "surely these will be awesome in a couple of months when I can fit them." (I speculated that while nursing and running I would return to my pre-pregnancy size quickly like I had with my first daughter.) So for the past 6 months I have had very little to wear that actually fits me and lots of clothes that "I'll be able to fit soon." But soon has not been soon and may never be. Yesterday I had to venture up to the attic to dig out old maternity jeans. That is when I decided that I need to go shopping. With my husband earning lots of money working all day I will set out with debit card in hand and build me a wardrobe for me now.
Showing posts with label miry clay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miry clay. Show all posts
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
The present and the future
Last night I was online during my moments of solitude (when everyone is asleep) and I happened upon this set of questions to ask yourself about where you are now.
How much time to I spend on enjoyable activities?
What are these activities?
What feelings occupy most of my time?
What thoughts occupy most of my time?
What activities occupy most of my time?
What types of activities do I now do to help me cope with stress, conflicts, and difficult emotions?
How much time is allotted for growth and development?
How much time do I spend alone, with others?
Is this time enjoyable? Fulfilling?
How much time is spent on activities that challenge and excite?
What are these activities?
How many of my day's activities would I rather not be doing?
All of my answers were like, "I never spend any time doing enjoyable things." "There is no time for growth." "I would rather not be doing any of my daily activities." And so forth.
Then you meditate on a future time and answer the same questions. I realized that while my general sense of the present in dark, boring, and stifling, my vision for the future was basically me dancing through a sun-lit world being creative and loving and happy. It was sad really, how awful I felt about my present situation. But it was nice to have a glimps of a future that could be fairly near.
How much time to I spend on enjoyable activities?
What are these activities?
What feelings occupy most of my time?
What thoughts occupy most of my time?
What activities occupy most of my time?
What types of activities do I now do to help me cope with stress, conflicts, and difficult emotions?
How much time is allotted for growth and development?
How much time do I spend alone, with others?
Is this time enjoyable? Fulfilling?
How much time is spent on activities that challenge and excite?
What are these activities?
How many of my day's activities would I rather not be doing?
All of my answers were like, "I never spend any time doing enjoyable things." "There is no time for growth." "I would rather not be doing any of my daily activities." And so forth.
Then you meditate on a future time and answer the same questions. I realized that while my general sense of the present in dark, boring, and stifling, my vision for the future was basically me dancing through a sun-lit world being creative and loving and happy. It was sad really, how awful I felt about my present situation. But it was nice to have a glimps of a future that could be fairly near.
Parenting 101
I fully realize that I am in the worst of it. I'm at home with 2 young kids and my husband is working 12 hours a day for 7 days a week. It's temporary, but it still sucks.
It amazes me how, as a mother, I am never alone. Even if (by the grace of God) I am not physically with another human being, my children are always with me. There are the obvious blessings of this, but that's not what I'm here to talk about right now. I don't know how people can choose to be with children all day. They demand so much mental space and yet there is so little satisfying interaction. Days are spent monitoring, mediating, serving, fixing, supporting. There is no time to tend to myself - not in the showering, eating, and sleeping way, but the emotional and spiritual way. I have nothing to do all day, but I have no time to do anything that I really want to. It wears me down until I become an angry and loathing mother. I don't know how to be a loving, engaging, supportive parent when I'm "on" all the time. This is why God did not make humans asexual. If we could create children without any help then we would have to care for them without any help and the human race would probably have ended a long time ago.
It amazes me how, as a mother, I am never alone. Even if (by the grace of God) I am not physically with another human being, my children are always with me. There are the obvious blessings of this, but that's not what I'm here to talk about right now. I don't know how people can choose to be with children all day. They demand so much mental space and yet there is so little satisfying interaction. Days are spent monitoring, mediating, serving, fixing, supporting. There is no time to tend to myself - not in the showering, eating, and sleeping way, but the emotional and spiritual way. I have nothing to do all day, but I have no time to do anything that I really want to. It wears me down until I become an angry and loathing mother. I don't know how to be a loving, engaging, supportive parent when I'm "on" all the time. This is why God did not make humans asexual. If we could create children without any help then we would have to care for them without any help and the human race would probably have ended a long time ago.
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