bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy fun fun fun fun fun

For my birthday my mom got me a mini-trampoline also known as a rebounder. It's a lot like the little ones that we had as kids except it's made for adults so you don't have to fear breaking through it with every bounce. I asked for one because a) my older sister had one b) I want what my sisters have c) I needed some outlet for stress because I can't run right now.
The thing is awesome. The mat is tight enough that you can get some pretty good air. It brings back that little kid glee you felt as you jumped up and down for fun, an activity that would normally bring pain and suffering these days. It's a flashback to the excitement and fear of flying as a kid, even if its about 11 inches off the mat. The only down side that I don't remember as a kid is that it has a profound effect on my internal organs, specifically the end of my digestive tract. I have to pee every few minutes and I can't seem to shake the general feeling of having to poo. Hopefully as I use it more these sensations will subside, but even if they don't, I will gladly bounce my way to high spirits.

Birthday Cake

I made a really really really good cake for my birthday. It's called a "Better Than Sex Cake." I have made a different version of this involving yellow cake, sour cream, lots of butter, chocolate, nuts, and cream cheese frosting. It is a favorite around here and I may post that recipe later. But I was perusing online recipes and this one came up and it was indeed fantastic.
It calls for a Devil's Food cake and you can use a mix, but I used a recipe from online that turned out well. You need a can of sweetened condensed milk, a jar of caramel ice cream topping, a bag of toffee bits, and a container of whipping cream. In a saucepan combine the milk and caramel (leave about 1/4 the jar of caramel to decorate with) and let it warm up and mix together. After you bake the cake as directed, you let it cool for 5 minutes then poke holes all over it with a wooden spoon handle. Pour the caramel mixture all over the cake and let it soak in. Then sprinkle the toffee bits on top while it's still warm. Refrigerate it for a few hours or a day or however long. The longer it sits, the more the cake soaks up the liquid. Whip the cream up with a little sugar and vanilla, but don't make it too sweet because the cake is super sweet. Top the cake with the whipped cream, drizzle on the rest of the caramel, sprinkle on some toffee (if you saved some.) It's delicious, like a giant candy bar. Rissy would call it rich.

Today is my birthday

Today I turn the wise age of 26. As my little sister said, "that's old, but not as old as [my husband.] You'll never be quite as old as he is." (Or something to that effect.)
I had a really wonderful birthday, which is saying a lot since the last 5 or so have been grand disappointments. I tend to set myself up for birthday failures. I feel uncomfortable being celebrated. I never have a list of things I want because I could conceivably get things for myself. I have a hard time letting others do things for me. I feel awkward at my "party", I don't get anything I want, and I end up making up my own birthday and feeling unloved. It's sad and honestly ridiculous so this year I didn't do it. I actually asked for something and got it. I planned things that I wanted to do and did them. I made an amazingly good cake (recipe will follow) and really enjoyed it. Plus my husband was home all day (the first time in 3 weeks.) It was great and I had a really wonderful day.

Pants

Today my older sister has offered to watch the kids so that I can escape for some time alone. I was telling my husband about this and how when I have these opportunities I ultimately feel like they get wasted. (Not that kind of wasted, Kalin.) When I get in the car alone it feels empty. It's nice to drive without playing the color game, but it's a shock to not have ideas siphoned into my head by a 4 year old. Space is the thing that I really want, but I'm so out of practice that it feels lonely in a whole different way. I think that this is the great paradox of motherhood.
On my journey out I am going shopping for pants. For the last year I have been buying clothes that I assumed would fit at a future time thinking, "surely these will be awesome in a couple of months when I can fit them." (I speculated that while nursing and running I would return to my pre-pregnancy size quickly like I had with my first daughter.) So for the past 6 months I have had very little to wear that actually fits me and lots of clothes that "I'll be able to fit soon." But soon has not been soon and may never be. Yesterday I had to venture up to the attic to dig out old maternity jeans. That is when I decided that I need to go shopping. With my husband earning lots of money working all day I will set out with debit card in hand and build me a wardrobe for me now.

Whole wheat 101

When I cook I prefer to use whole wheat flour. By "prefer" I mean that I almost exclusively use it. I make whole wheat bread, muffins, cookies, brownies, and crackers. I even make whole wheat gravy. This is mostly because I don't have other flour on hand, but it works just as well. However, there are very few exceptions when I do use regular flour. These being: gifts for other people (who have less of an appreciation for whole wheat) and recipes that just do not work with whole wheat (angel food cake being the primary example.) White flour seems like a waste of nutrients and I have come to prefer the taste and texture of whole wheat. I like my pasta hearty, my muffins dense and grainy, and my cookies questionably darker than their less nutritious counterparts.

Pancakes

Of course my life in not entirely filled with sadness! There is some genuine joy sprinkled in here and there. One thing that I love is cooking. It is one activity that I enjoy almost all the time and it is one thing that I can do pretty well with my older daughter. Yesterday, we woke up before 5 and decided to make pancakes. They turned out to be the best pancakes I have made, and I make pancakes at least once a week. The recipe is as follows:

1 c. whole wheat graham flour
1 T. baking powder
1 T. brown sugar
1/4 t. salt
1 c. (scant) of milk
2 eggs (slightly beaten)
1 1/2 t. vanilla
1/3 c. unsweetened applesauce

Mix dry ingredients in a bowl. Add wet ingredients and stir just until blended. Don't overmix, if you do the pancakes will be tough as opposed to tender and delicious. Cook on a griddle that is well greased with butter (for the best flavor) or cooking spray (for the healthier option.) Serve with butter and real maple syrup for the best of the best results.

The present and the future

Last night I was online during my moments of solitude (when everyone is asleep) and I happened upon this set of questions to ask yourself about where you are now.

How much time to I spend on enjoyable activities?
What are these activities?
What feelings occupy most of my time?
What thoughts occupy most of my time?
What activities occupy most of my time?
What types of activities do I now do to help me cope with stress, conflicts, and difficult emotions?
How much time is allotted for growth and development?
How much time do I spend alone, with others?
Is this time enjoyable? Fulfilling?
How much time is spent on activities that challenge and excite?
What are these activities?
How many of my day's activities would I rather not be doing?

All of my answers were like, "I never spend any time doing enjoyable things." "There is no time for growth." "I would rather not be doing any of my daily activities." And so forth.
Then you meditate on a future time and answer the same questions. I realized that while my general sense of the present in dark, boring, and stifling, my vision for the future was basically me dancing through a sun-lit world being creative and loving and happy. It was sad really, how awful I felt about my present situation. But it was nice to have a glimps of a future that could be fairly near.

Parenting 101

I fully realize that I am in the worst of it. I'm at home with 2 young kids and my husband is working 12 hours a day for 7 days a week. It's temporary, but it still sucks.
It amazes me how, as a mother, I am never alone. Even if (by the grace of God) I am not physically with another human being, my children are always with me. There are the obvious blessings of this, but that's not what I'm here to talk about right now. I don't know how people can choose to be with children all day. They demand so much mental space and yet there is so little satisfying interaction. Days are spent monitoring, mediating, serving, fixing, supporting. There is no time to tend to myself - not in the showering, eating, and sleeping way, but the emotional and spiritual way. I have nothing to do all day, but I have no time to do anything that I really want to. It wears me down until I become an angry and loathing mother. I don't know how to be a loving, engaging, supportive parent when I'm "on" all the time. This is why God did not make humans asexual. If we could create children without any help then we would have to care for them without any help and the human race would probably have ended a long time ago.