Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

from my family to yours!

We used to pay $60 for a 7 foot tree, but this year things changed...

We found a place where you can cut down any tree for $30, so we decided to go all out. When we got our tree home we had to cut a foot and a half off of it so that the angel didn't have to duck her head. $30 for a 10 foot tree!

The big one wanted to model the tree for me to take a picture.

The little one likes to do everything that the big one does.

Merry Christmas!

An update

It's been awhile since I last wrote, so I thought I'd update!

We got a 'new' car: a Pontiac Grand Prix: my husband's choice, but a good car nonetheless.
We got a cat, then she turned out to really enjoy attacking the children, so we took her to the barn at my parents' house.
We got a new cat that is nice and doesn't bite. When I get pictures of him I'll post those.
We put up our Christmas tree, which is huge! (I have pictures to put up of that, too.)
Christmas is around the corner and I have far more gifts for my husband than for my children. (Kids get so much stuff from everyone else, anyways.)
The little one is in training pants! I mean the underwear kind, not the pull-up diaper kind. She'll be 2 in January.
The big one is reading and writing a lot. I'm amazed at how fast kids pick up on that.
She's also taking piano lessons from a wonderful teacher. She loves it, but I'm having a hard time making time for practice.
My little sister is done with college and is moving home!
I learned how to crochet and have realized that it may be a perfect hobby.
I have an excellent fudge recipe that I'll share soon.

Geesh, I think that's it: a month in the life of us. I was kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel there at the last, too.

I was a crash test dummy

Yesterday I was headed to Peoria to do some shopping. I picked up my big one from school and started driving. I had originally planned to go to my parents' house to drop off some piano info for my mom, but the info I had was outdated. I kept feeling like I should go there, so I called Mom to see of she was ok. She was, and actually wasn't even home so I continued on. On the way out of town I considered turning around in 4 different spots, but I couldn't rationalize doing it. In fact, the whole drive there I kept thinking, "well, I could go to Walmart, or Kroger, or Goodwill, or somewhere." But I didn't have a reason to. I was very focused on driving and even had to remind my daughters a few times that I couldn't read things or look because I was driving. PLUS, when I got into Peoria, I was reliving when I got rear-ended in my Jeep and the hitch really trashed the other car.
2 miles later I look over to see a new restaurant and when I looked back, WHAM! I barely had time to slam on my brakes when I hit the tailgate of a truck. The guy driving it was trying to turn left from the left lane of a 4 lane road when he should have been in the turn lane. The car in front of him stopped, so he stopped with the bed of his truck half way in the lane. I looked away for a moment and then I hit him.
The thing was, once it happened I thought, "oh great, THIS is why I wasn't supposed to be here!" Good grief, how much more of a sign did I need?
The airbags deployed and the driver's side corner of the Jeep was pushed back against the wheel. The windshield cracked and the radiator was busted too, so the front end is probably shot. I smashed it and I smashed it good!
The girls are ok, they aren't even sore today. I'm ok, my neck is stiff today, but not too bad. I don't think that we really hit that hard. It felt like my cheek just brushed the airbag.
So, what have I learned from this?
Don't tempt fate.
There's probably a reason that you're getting a million messages to not do something.
My guardian angels were working overtime and they're probably a little peeved at me.
God is really, really, really good and I am thankful for that!

I woke up this morning at 4:15. That's actually a good thing because it meant that the little one slept in her own bed that long. 7 hours. Of (potential) sleep. For me. Ahhh.
But, this morning I had planned on getting up at 5 to go to the gym. You see, I haven't been able to run for 2 weeks. The weather has taken a nasty turn around here so my daily walk to school and hours to run around town with the little one in the stroller are gone. I have so much tension built up that it's scary. I even bought 'Tension Tamer' herbal tea in hopes that it may calm my nerves. It didn't.
I woke up this morning with the little one and planned to stay up. Then, the big one woke up from a bad dream. I laid down with her to get her back to sleep, only to go back upstairs and see that the little one was awake again. I angrily got back into bed, assuming that my window of opportunity was quickly closing but knowing that I wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep.
Enter my dear husband who, for any who know him, is not a morning person. In fact, he is basically a zombie until 9 or 10 in the morning. (This is especially unfortunate, considering his required early mornings.) He insisted that I get out of the house, at least for a little bit. And thank the dear Lord that I did! I feel like a new girl this morning. Granted, I had an hour less sleep than I would have liked, but I feel like my well of tension is being shaken loose a bit.

This is my big one with her little snake friend. My husband found it one day while he was mowing. I still get the heebee-jeebees (you know what I mean) whenever I see this. I've always wanted to like snakes and I've always been impressed by those that can/want to pick them up, but I am not one of those people. My daughter, on the other hand, played with this poor little guy for half the day until he was as limp as a noodle. He was still alive, thankfully, so she set him free and hopefully he continued his life thereafter.

Halloween

Halloween came and went without a hitch. Thankfully the costumes went together really easily and quickly. That was good, considering that I started them the day before. The big one was Silvermist, who is one of Tinkerbell's friends in this new movie that a) I'm sure we'll own soon and b) I'm sure will be watched back to back to back to back.

Silvermist in not normally an angry fairy.

The little one was Tinkerbell.

The girls played thier fairy parts well, flitting about gathering candy from door to door.

This is this kid summed up in one picture. If you asked her, she'd tell you that the oven is "hot" and a "no-no" (though it's not actually hot on the outside.) Yet, when I came in the room she was bumping her butt up against it while wearing a pair of misplaced underwear. (And she's obviously very proud of herself.)

Friends

Let me just say that I, and my spouse, are not good friends. And I mean that we aren't good friends to other people. (We're really good friends to each other, because we live together and don't have to worry about keeping in touch.) We are terrible about communicating with other people and thus tend to lose track of any friends we may have had, which is few because we're also terribly shy/awkward. In fact, the only people that we ARE friends with are our family members. Except for one family.
That family is the only family that we've consistently been friends with since we met them in college. We founded our friendship on new marriages and small children and learning about both. Our first years as friends consisted of us living in the same small town and, for a while, 2 doors down from each other. Those were honestly my favorite time of life so far. We'd call each other over for dinner regularly and we'd meet on the rooftop that joined our apartments. It was so fun and so easy.
Fast forward a couple of years and we moved, first to Montana, then to our hometown, 2 hours from theirs. Now, they've moved across the country to the East Coast for grad school I've realized that I took our proximity for granted and now that they've moved, I feel almost desperate to keep in touch with them. I'm thankful for social mediums like Facebook that allow semi-weekly contact to be easy and simple. But, regardless, I still find myself sucking at being a friend. I sincerely hope that when grad school is over, they'll move back to the Midwest so that we can see each other and laugh together. And honestly, I'd really prefer it if they'd move in next door.

Success!

I did it! I actually ran my 1/2 marathon and it was really great! The run itself was event-filled, including being thwarted by a stinky man, sprinting across the arsenal bridge (it's steel grates with the river rushing underneath and a train chugging along above), and chatting with fellow Lewis and Clark refugees. But, by far, the best part was coming around the last corner and seeing/hearing my family cheering for me. It was like Christmas morning! Really.

That's me, blurry me, really excited to see my family.

That's me realizing that my goal time was mere seconds away, so I sprinted with previously undiscovered energy to the finish.

This is me and the girls stretching out afterwards. (Everyone got a medal, if you're wondering.)

All in all, it was a really great experience. I just may have to plan my next one soon.

Unfullfilled

Since Ike made it impossible to finish, let alone enjoy my first 1/2 marathon experience, I've decided to do another... or a first. I'm planning for the Quad Cities race in a week. I planned on just repeating my last 2 weeks of training, but this week I painted the living room instead. So, we'll see, I'm at least hoping for no rain.

Here's a super cool picture of me!

The race

My dad has a phrase that he uses when he's roughing it or in a less-than-ideal situation; Lewis and Clarking it. On Sunday I was totally Lewis and Clarking it, both literally and figuratively.
I ran in what was supposed to be the Lewis and Clark 1/2 marathon. Unfortunately, hurricane Ike was timed perfectly to arrive right before and last through the race. And it did.
I woke up at 5am after a patchy night's sleep to find that it had been raining all night. After getting ready I headed down to the hotel lobby, drank some coffee and asked for a garbage bag from the front desk. I headed over to where the shuttles were picking up runners for the starting line, about 3 blocks away. The rain was heavy, but it was still warm out, so I wasn't too concerned.
On the ride over, we waited in traffic for about 45 minutes. It was Sunday morning at 6am, so it was all race traffic. On the bus, I met an older man who was running his 17th marathon with the goal of running one in every state. Our bus arrived right when the race was scheduled to start, there were still 2 buses in traffic at that time. When I got out of the bus it was really bad. It was much colder and the wind was much stronger. I huddled under a volunteer tent, clutching my garbage bag poncho, until people started moving across the starting line. With big races, you have a chip, either on your shoe or your race number, that is scanned at the start and finish, so your time is accurate regardless of when you cross the starting line. That was good for the people that started 30 minutes after the gun went off due to the late buses.
The running was crazy. There was a 30 mph headwind for the first 8 miles, pelting rain, and huge puddles. There was nothing dry. Eventually, I took off my garbage bag, it had become useless and was acting as a parachute in the wind.
Crossing the Missouri River was the worst. There was nothing blocking the wind and it was on the Interstate, so there was heavy traffic just yards away. The last 2 miles were easy, we were in town so there was less wind and there was... less wind. It wasn't until 8.5 miles that they told us that we were stopping at 10, the rest of the course was flooded.
At the end, the finish area was a disaster. There was 6 inches of water to wade through and they had run out of plastic foil blankets to give to the runners, so it was COLD. I couldn't find my family, and they couldn't find me. Eventually, I decided to head back to the hotel. Luckily, it was only a 1/2 mile from the finish. I borrowed a nice lady's cell phone and told my husband that I was headed back. When I walked into the overly air-conditioned room I was greeted by three smiling faces and a chorus of "Congratulations," "I am so proud of you," and "Hi Momma!" I don't think that Lewis and Clark got that kind of reception!

School Snack Time

Since when are Oreos a snack and not a treat? Since the big one started going to school, apparently! So far, her snack time has consisted of such treasures as rice crispy treats, cookie crisp cereal, zebra cakes, and gummy snacks - all of which are ENTIRELY COMPOSED OF SUGAR! There is not an ounce of nutritional merit to any of those things. At a time when attention deficit disorders are being diagnosed right and left, you'd think that schools would request something other than simple sugars to feed young brains.
Now, contrary to popular belief, I am not a food Nazi. I enjoy sugary goodies, but I enjoy them as treats - occasionally and sparingly - never on a daily basis and in place of nutritional food.
Last month, when I took the big one for her school physical, our pediatrician, whom I adore, told me that the current recommendation is that children start drinking skim milk after the age of 2. They need to be kept on low-fat diets because of the obesity epidemic. Hello (American parents)? That 2% of milk fat is not what is causing childhood obesity! Look in the cupboards of American families and, apparently, the snack bags of school classrooms to see why poor nutrition and unhealthy weight is so rampant. It is amazing, really.

I have been terrible about keeping up this blog, but I'm sure that I don't need to tell you that.
Since we moved, a month ago, I suddenly have things to do. We've torn up the basement, the living/dining room, the kitchen, and the bathroom. The girls' room is nearing completion and once that is ready, the rest of the house can be put away. Right now their bed is in our room, their dresser is in the basement room, their clothes are in our closet, and their toys are everywhere. It'll be like moving into a new house when their room is done!
The big one is in school and so our days have real structure, no more pajama days for us (unless there's no school, in which case, I will take full advantage.) Our weeks have real structure, too. The big one is so glad that she has a week like her dad's, with real weekends.
I have less than 2 weeks before my 1/2 marathon. Training is going really well. I've decided to drag my family along, too. Originally, I was going to go down to the race with a friend and ditch the family for a solid night's sleep and 24 hours of freedom. However, I feel guilty and I'd love to have them there to share the glory of (hopefully) not having to crawl across the finish line. So, we're all packing up and staying the night. It'll be a mini-vacation.
That's pretty much our news, I'll make an effort to post more, but I can't promise much.

Oh, kids.

I was reading my sister's blog and remembering the good old days when my daughter used to blurt out awkward questions in public.
So, fast-forward two days, and I'm in TJMaxx with the big one and she is talking far too loudly. Several times I asked her to talk more quietly because I was right there, not across the store. I was looking through a rack of dresses when I came across a green one. My daughter exclaimed (loudly), "Hey mom, you could wear that when you go to the lumberjack party!"
"What?" I said, laughing nervously while glancing around sideways to see who was in earshot (the entire store) and motioning for her to be quiet.
"You know, the lumberjack party? When you wear your gold shiny shoes?"
Oh, good grief, I could only imagine what people were thinking.
Then it clicked.
"Oh," I said loudly and clearly, "you mean ST. PATTY'S DAY, the LEPRECHAUN party."
"Yeah, you could wear that green dress."
Thank you, child, for your suggestions.

Running Update

Today I finished off my last easy week of running. The 12 week plan that I have been following has an easy week every 4 weeks where you cut back mileage and don't do any difficult training. Today was the end of my last one, which means that I have 4 weeks until my race. The last month of training is often referred to as the 'monster month' because you're running more miles, more often each week in preparation for the race.
I'll be glad when this race is done. I feel like I'll be well prepared, but diligently following a schedule is not my cup of tea. It takes some serious discipline to stick to a running schedule, especially when it often involves waking up painfully early to run before my husband goes to work. I'm looking forward to setting my own schedule in a month, and more realistically, taking a break for a few weeks.

a taste of fall

When I woke up this morning it was 57 degrees outside. I sat outside on my deck, drinking coffee, and watching people walk along the path. The sun has a slightly less oppressive shine to it, the air has a dew-y coolness. The promise of fall is on the horizon. My favorite season will be here before we know it. Everything is best during these sweet months. The sunlight is best, the air is best, the colors are best, the produce is best, the clothing is best. Life is fun to live in the fall. My husband and I will be celebrating 10 years together in a couple of months and every year it seems like the fall renews that sense of new love. Granted, it may be 90 degrees next week, but the flavor has been sampled, fall is on its way.

Dancing Queens

Back before the little one could walk, she scooted across the floors. When she would dance, she would spin around in little circles to the music. Now that she can walk, she still resorts to her origins when it comes to dancing. Her sister has adopted the moves, too. Perhaps they will develop into break dancers.

(Almost) Healthy Puppy Chow Recipe

This is Puppy Chow, or Muddy Buddies, or The Perfectly Addictive Food. And it is. It's sweet, salty, crunchy, peanut butter-y, and chocolaty all rolled into small tasty morsels that you can grab by the fist-full. I love the stuff and I set out to create a healthier version on which to snack.

As you may know, I like to find healthier versions of fantastic foods because if you're going to eat them, you may as well be getting something out of them. Doing this with Puppy Chow seems like looking for a healthier version of a candy bar, however I have done it and it is (almost) healthy.

I have tried various combinations of cereals including Kashi Go Lean, Kix, Kashi Puffs, and others but ultimately the pieces I pick out are the Chex. Traditionally it is made with rice or corn or some other nutritionally-void-Chex. I use the 100% whole wheat kind and I don't use Chex, I use the generic kind that is $1 cheaper.

Originally, you would melt butter and peanut butter and chocolate chips at about a 1:2:4 ratio. That is 1/4 c. butter, 1/2 c. pb, and 1 c. chips. And I'm sure that most people use the terrible excuse for peanut butter that consists of hydrogenated oils, sugar, and lots of other things that aren't peanuts. I use natural peanut butter and I've found that the kind with only salt added is best, and smooth is better than crunchy.

The chocolate is the last thing that I have figured out. Chocolate chips are good, however the finished product was very sweet. I won't say too sweet, just very, especially considering that the finished product is coated generously with powdered sugar. I have found that using unsweetened baking chocolate provides the flavor, the health benefits of 100% cocoa, and doesn't compromise the final effect.

So here's my recipe: It makes a lot.

1 box unsweetened chocolate
1 jar smooth, natural peanut butter
1-2 teaspoons vanilla
1-2 boxes of 100% whole wheat Chex-type cereal
butter if desired
powdered sugar

I don't really measure.
Melt the chocolate and peanut butter in a saucepan over low heat. Stir until smooth. If you think it's too thick, you can add some butter, but I usually don't. You could use coconut oil if you wanted to be healthier. When it's smooth, add your vanilla and turn off the heat.
Dump the cereal into a large bowl, I usually end up using 1 1/2 boxes, but if you want it really saturated use 1, or a lighter coating, 2.
Pour the melted mixture over the cereal and stir gently to coat.
At this point you could transfer it to a large bag to shake the sugar on or just leave it in the bowl like I do. Pour powdered sugar onto the cereal and stir gently yet firmly to coat each piece. I don't know how much I use, but you want the finished product to not be too sticky.
For best results, store it in the freezer so that it is extra crunchy.
Enjoy, knowing that at least you're getting a little extra fiber, protein, and antioxidants compared to the original recipe Puppy Chow!

Friday Morning

This morning the little one and I are up while the big one sleeps. We're perusing the Internet, reading blogs, checking bank accounts, and other exciting stuff.

The big one turned 5 last week. This was her Hawaiian Birthday Bash II with her dad's side of the family.

She had a beach cake.

These are the cousins on that side. There's my little one, my big one, the big middle cousin, and the littlest cousin. What? Those are their names, really. I like how my little one looks more like her cousin than she does her sister.

At her first birthday party, the big one got a toy horse from my little sister. She stared at it and giggled for a long time.

And then she did it some more. She was really excited.



She had a volcano cake that turned out really well, it was surrounded by blue water.

You may have realized that we are really bad at taking pictures. It's kind of like a fuzzy memory that you can't quite put your finger on. Or it's like a general idea of what happened and you can use your own imagination to fill in the details like what we look like, or why it's so dark or blurry.

Update

It is a nice, cool morning and there is little tension in the air. The little one, who is pushing 4 teeth through her pained gums, is asleep. The big one is playing nicely by herself.

Our packing situation is not really improving. I have no more excuses to not pack like I did before (people staying here, etc.) I just haven't. My husband and I did take 2 huge loads of stuff to Goodwill this weekend. My dad watched the girls which provided us with a whole 3 1/2 hours of work time! It really is amazing what you can get done.

My running plan is going well. I'm in the middle of my 5th week, I believe. It's pretty easy, really, just working my way up to 13.1 miles. The race is on Sept. 14th.

That's pretty much it. I'll keep you posted (because I'm really good at doing that.)

My baby is getting so big.

Five years ago I became a mom. Unfortunately, I didn't have a digital camera back then, otherwise I would take you through a memory-tour of the little burrito baby, bundled tightly by the hospital nurses; the sleeping baby that did mostly that and was documented extensively; the first smiles; rolling over; walking; her first birthday. But we didn't get the camera until she was about 18 months old. So that's where I'll start. She was nearly 2 by the time we got her to brush her teeth.

And then there was some time in between.

And now she's five, FIVE! I can't believe it. Time just flies!

Pack-istan

That is where we live right now. There are boxes everywhere. I've been emptying the attic the last couple of days. It sounds like a huge undertaking, and it would be if most of the stuff up there was not our landlord's. Luckily, we haven't banished too much up there. In fact, we can get rid of about half of it. The problem is that the only time I can really work on packing is when the little one is asleep and the big one is occupied so that she doesn't ask me questions the whole time. I like to work silently, alone if at all possible. That doesn't ever really happen with kids.

The in-laws are coming around in about a week and a half for the big one's Big Hawaii Birthday Bash. She's been planning it (and I mean actually planning it) since February. But anyway, the in-laws will be here and if there's one thing that they love, it is occupying my children. I may have 2 whole days of child-free organizing bliss! Plus, the greatest part, is that they're coming up for our move to help and again, hang out with the kiddos. It's great, it's really where they shine.

Our grand plans for garage sales have basically fallen through. It's so much work and for what, $40? The big one did make $8.50 last week. I told her she could have the money from anything she chooses to sell. Little did I know that she is not attached to much. She sorted out 1/2 of her toys get rid of. By the end of this, she may make more than us! But I think that we'll have one big sale on the 19th. I don't work that day, the in-laws will be here for the kids, and 2 weeks after that we move. Wow. I can't really do the garage sale thing alone, especially not if there's anything heavy to move. That's why we're going for one big one.

And that's it, for the most part. As an aside, I'm pretty excited to be moving into a temperature-controlled house. We can get a piano!

Finally

Finally, is how that was supposed to read. We have set a closing date, August 1st! With only one month before the big move, we're celebrating with a two-day yard sale! Thursdays are the traditional sale day around here and we have 5 this month. Hopefully we'll be progressively downsizing on each!

Canning Rings

This may not be what the Amish use their canning rings for, but around here we're not Amish.

Obviously.

No news

I'm kind of forcing myself to write something just so that there's a new post. There's no real news around here. We've been spending a lot of time outside in the beautiful weather, lots of hammock lounging and bike riding. The big one has found a path that loops down our driveway, across the sidewalk, up our neighbor's drive, and around the sidewalk in the back of his house that she can ride her bike or trike around and around. She is finally able to be outside for long stretches of time. She can occupy herself with a number of imaginary games or bike riding. This is a new development, before she just couldn't come up with things to do and was ultimately bored outside.

The little one is doing a stellar job potty training. It started with me putting her on the toilet first thing in the morning because she hadn't wet her diaper during the night. Then she would go whenever I put put her on. Now she's starting to tell me when she has to go with our made-up sign language. Yesterday she had a dry diaper all day! She even went #2, and told me before the awkward silence! It's pretty awesome, really. She could be potty trained in the next couple months. One problem is that it augments the fact that we cannot go anywhere or do anything. She has a very small bladder and any longer car trips are trouble, plus finding and using public bathroom is not ideal. However, I'm not complaining, really.

As far as the house goes, the owner had the mold "cleaned up" by a non-certified mold cleaner-upper. They retested and there's still mold so he has to hire someone else to clean it up and retest it. It's nice that we aren't closing until later, because this would be horrible to try to fit into 30 days like most closings. My husband and I are really really excited to be moving into this house though. We were sitting outside on our picnic table daydreaming about sitting on our new deck where it's quiet and private. Main street is loud and not-so-private.

So that's our non-news. I suppose it is something, at least to keep you coming back for more!

Sugar Lovin' Babies

I like to bake and when I make things like frosting or whipped cream I let the girls lick the beaters.I've only done it a couple of times with the little one, but apparently it is memorable. Saturday I was making lemon bars and using the mixer when she came scampering into the kitchen wildly stroking her hand across her chest (this is her version of the sign for 'please.') She was tugging at my leg begging "PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE" in sign language. It was very sweet, but unfortunately I had to deny her her special joy. I may have to make some frosting so the little sugar babies can enjoy a treat.

I did it!

Yee HAW! Yes, I did it, I ran 9.3 miles in 1 hour and 41 minutes which is a little under 11 min. miles. I'm pretty excited. It was a great race, in fact it may be my favorite one yet. Everything went well, I didn't cry - though I almost did when I passed a spectator in the last mile that was standing in front of her house clapping for each of us as we passed saying, "You are doing so well, I am so proud of you." I didn't know her, but it was so encouraging to hear it directed right at me.

So now I have about a week off before I get to start working towards a 1/2 marathon in September!

My Race

Tomorrow, at the crack of dawn, I have my race that I have been training for for the last 10 weeks. It's a 15K, which translates to 9.3 miles. I have run 10+ miles during this training, so I know that I can do it, but for some reason I am insanely nervous. Every time that I think about the race my stomach turns. I have to stop and take a deep breath every once in a while because my breathing has become so shallow and tight. I know that as I lay in bed tonight I will not go to sleep when I need to, but rather after an hour or so of pointless thinking.

Why? That's the thing. There is no reason, whatsoever that I need to be worried. As I was telling my little sister the other day, my primary goal is to not die, after that it is to finish the race, and the third goal is to do so without crying. I'm not chasing a certain time, I don't even know how fast I'm going to run this. My older daughter asked me if I'd be the first one across the finish line to which I assured her that that would certainly not be the case. Basically, there is no pressure to accomplish anything, but I'm still nervous.

So tomorrow, as you are all waking up (or still sleeping), please ask a little prayer for my nerves and that I finish it without crying.

Speaking of Vegetables

We have a CSA membership this year with a local organic farmer. That means that we pay up front for weekly deliveries of veggies that last from mid-May to Thanksgiving. The veggies that we get are nothing short of gorgeous. They are just the most perfect, fresh, beautiful veggies I've seen.

Plus, the pickup is in the church courtyard which adds to the beauty.

This bounty added to our blossoming garden means we have lots and lots of vegetables. So many, in fact, that we have to eat them at every meal and in between so they aren't lost. I've come up with a great idea for the excess that we have. Last night I took most of the extra veggies and cooked them with a bouillon cube and some water until they were all tender. Then I pureed the mix in the food processor and voila! Instant veggie goo. No, it's actually really good. I used carrots, celery, cauliflower (all left over from camping), green garlic, and some spinach leaves. I didn't use any fat in it so there was no weird separation as it sits in the fridge. It's really good cold with some fresh cream mixed in. And, it is easy to eat and an easy way to get rid of the extra veggies.

A Nice Morning

I was originally going to title this entry "A Beautiful Morning," but I'm a little too cranky for that. It is nice, however. I got to sleep until nearly 8, which never happens. It's actually cool outside, and it was last night, so our house is not the sauna it has been. Our indoor plants are perking up after being neglected for a couple of weeks. Our robin's eggs hatched finally. There was some concern about them since Memorial Day when she was off her nest a lot, but there are two little heads popping up.

In a little while, I'm planning on heading over to our garden. It's nice enough out that I may ride my bike over there, with the trailer in tow. Our garden is exploding! We have more lettuce than we need and our peas are ready to be frozen. Next up, we'll have green beans and zucchini and eventually strawberries. We also have a couple volunteer tomatoes from last year. The kids like to go to the garden, too. The big one loves the snap peas and eats a lot of them. I told her that she can eat as many of them as she wants because there's no sense in restraining a child's love of something green. The little one likes to pull up plants, which would be helpful if she were pulling weeds, but she usually pulls up green beans or lettuce. My husband needs to work on her plant identification skills.

It should be a nice day to get things done and enjoy being outside. (A beautiful morning to see and behold with slight change of attitude.)

More on the house

We submitted the repair addendum last weekend and had 5 days until it needed to be settled. Yesterday, our realtor called and said that the seller didn't want to fix anything. There's mold in the finished basement and electrical stuff that has to be fixed for our loan to go through and the deck that is basically unsafe. But the seller is an old man, nearly 90, and I felt really badly about loading him up with all of these repairs when what he really wants to do is move to the retirement community and enjoy his life!

Later in the afternoon our realtor called back and said that now he would fix things. He's overwhelmed by all of the planning and scheduling that needs to be done but his realtor is going to help him. And, the kicker is that he really wants us to have the house. (There's always the possibility that we can get out of the deal if it's not fixed to our satisfaction.)

So now we have upset an old man and guilted him into fixing things and spending money that he may or may not have. From our side, these things really do need to be fixed, but I feel badly about stressing the poor guy out! Our realtor is doing an excellent job of fighting for us, but she could probably tone it down a bit.

And another thing, we may have to move the closing date back to Sept. 1 because the retirement community's schedule. SO....... we may have a house someday, I'm not sure when. (The worst part is trying to rein in my husband and his inherited worry/anxiety. )

Dairy Diary part II (or so)

Last year on Valentine's Day I ate too much chocolate. I had just had the little one less than a month before and was taking the opportunity to drown my sorrows of being a new mom (for the second time) in the mass of chocolate we had acquired from the holiday. The little one, on the other hand, was taking that opportunity to become overly sensitive and in essence ruin my life (for a short time.) Her little hardened belly and resulting anger (that persisted for the next year) turned my otherwise care-free life upside down. I had to give up dairy, as I'm sure you all know because I talked about it constantly for a year.

More monumental than the simple act of giving up my most beloved and predominant food group was the fact that my whole attitude towards food changed. It's amazing what guilt can do, especially when the result of one's sin is a pained and angry baby. Stress and sadness found refuge in non-dairy substitutions. Exhaustion was relieved by unprecedented amounts of peanut butter. The point is that I developed a completely unhealthy and emotionally charged relationship with food. Ultimately, I couldn't have what I really wanted and what I really wanted hurt my baby. It sucked.

Luckily, the little one's sensitivities are gone and I have been journeying along the long road to 'recovery.' I've been working fairly diligently at normalizing food again, relearning the true pleasures of it, and figuring out what is really important to me. I've read books about several other experiences and I'm feeling like I have gained new insights and tools. Unfortunately, I fear that this will never fully be resolved. In times of higher stress (like when my in-laws visit) I find comfort in mindless eating. I hope that at some point I won't reach for food when I'm sad or bored or uncomfortable.

Ultimately, I hope that my girls will develop great relationships with food and not fall into unhealthy patterns. It's scary to think about the possibilities that lurk around our society. I hope that I can model normalcy and I hope that I can pass onto them the true pleasure that I am learning to find in good food.

Happy Kids

I have some very happy kids. You can tell by their overly exuberant smiles. They also like the camera.

This is the little one's "scrunchy face."

House Inspection Part II

Well... there's mold. We'll be meeting with our realtor tonight to write up an addendum to our offer so that can get cleared up. I'll be calling the lab today to find out what kind of mold there is, what it means, and how to get it cleaned up. Yipee. (Not really.) The good news is that (like I said before and I have to keep reassuring my husband) this is all either fixable or we can get out of the deal. So, I'm ultimately unconcerned.

My Graduate

My big one graduated (from preschool) last week. Another milestone in the grand scheme of "they just grow up so fast."

House Inspection

We had a house inspection done yesterday afternoon. When we made our offer, we made it subject to the inspection as well as radon and mold. If there was anything wrong with the house we can either have the seller fix it or negotiate a new price. It went pretty well, except for the large, wet, rotting corner in the finished basement. No, it really isn't a big deal. We're having it tested for mold and then we'll take it from there. Like I said, this is all stuff that we can have fixed before we buy it. If the test came back and said that the whole basement was infested with mold spores and there's so much radon that we might die having been there twice, then I'd be worried. But at this point, it's fixable. The inspector also pointed out the unsafe deck that needs to be fixed, pronto. That is something that my husband, his dad, and cousins will be thrilled to tackle. Then there's some electrical issues that we'll have fixed by the seller, too.

Even though my husband turned pale as I rehashed all of this, I'm not in the slightest bit worried about it. What can you expect? Houses age and benefit from near constant attention. This has been lived in for 15 years and probably hasn't had much attention. It needs some fixing up, but if it didn't, we wouldn't be able to afford it, so that's responsibility I'm happy to assume.

Our house, in the middle of our street

Yeah, you probably all know that we bought a house, blah, blah, blah. Well, that's the most exciting thing happening around here, so that's what I'm going to write about!

It's a two bedroom split-level. Right now we're living in a 24 bedroom ship. That can only mean one thing... DOWNSIZING! Hurray! If there's one thing that I love about moving, it's getting rid of stuff. It makes me feel so free, so light, and unfortunately so in need of getting cooler, more appropriate stuff. But we have so much to get rid of, mainly huge, cumbersome pieces of furniture. I'm planning on garage sales for the summer and lots of them. We won't be moving until August so that will give us lots of time - roughly 10 weeks to squeeze in the necessary 32 garage sales we'll need to have in order to lose this stuff. If you (my family) is in need of something, let me know before you buy it. I've got rugs, dressers, chairs, toys, clothes, baby stuff, children (not really), books, misc. junk. Just let me know what you're looking for!

P.O.W.S.

No, I'm not giving a shout-out to America's POWS, I'm talking about plain old white sugar. This is coincidentally my little sister's street name. Mine was something having to do with yellow cake, but I can't remember exactly. Those were our ghetto days and another story entirely.

Anyways - I recently bought good sugar. Good, expensive, whole sugar. I'm making an effort to shift our eating to as much whole, unprocessed food as possible. Luckily, this hasn't been hard to do and has provided me with lots of new culinary undertakings. By purchasing this sugar I have begun to see that when you buy quality items you will be less apt to waste them. (This realization is one that I should transfer to most areas of my life.) Treats become just that, things you should savor, not toss down the hatch without tasting. Plus, the foods that I've had that was made with whole sugar are far more satisfying. We will see if it really changes my practices as much as it has changed my attitude.

Rhubarb

A few days ago my little sister and I picked rhubarb from my parent's house. When all was said and done I ended up with about 8 qts of chopped rhubarb which I cooked down with four pounds of sugar and 9 chopped up oranges. The result is what my family (and extended family and friends and random strangers that I meet) will most likely get for Christmas. I canned 13 jars last night and have enough jam for roughly 20 more. I need to hit our local thrift store to find more jars and I need to put up the shelves in our pantry/recycling room/bathroom foyer to store this stuff. The problem is that this jam is tasty, but not what I intended to make. I really want a plain rhubarb jam. So today I'm going out to harvest another load of rhubarb to try again.

Updates

The little one...

...can walk.

The big one...

...is registered for kindergarten.

Wow.

Sleeping babies

I love sleeping children. It may be my favorite form of childhood. They're so quiet, still, peaceful, self-sufficient... all the things that they aren't when they're awake. Right now it's about 7:40. I have been awake for 2 hours. I woke up on my own, fully rested, because the little one slept all night, I repeat, ALL NIGHT in her crib, without nursing. I have not had a full night's sleep in, what, 2 years? So now I am awake and alone. (Those aren't bad things.) I have enjoyed breakfast and reading by myself and a shower by myself and now time on the computer by myself. It's going to be great when they're teenagers and sleep until noon. My heart flutters at the thought of that much free time.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is coming up and I would love to embrace it as a tribute to myself and those who have brought forth from their loins however, I have a hard time doing so. I read an article in Smithsonian magazine about the woman who invented the holiday. Ultimately she invented it to honor her mother and then spent the rest of her life opposing it because it was taken over by commercialism. It does seem like we are puppets of the commercial world. There is always something to look forward to whether it be Easter, Mother's Day, Christmas, Boss's Day, etc. And these are all reasons that we are supposed to buy something. When you go into a store the banners are practically shouting, "IT'S SPRING, BUY SOMETHING!" It's more than a little weird, when you think about it.

Anyways, it's something that I have been pondering lately. I'm certainly not saying we shouldn't celebrate. That is the really great thing about holidays is that they provide opportunities for us to get together and celebrate. Which reminds me - MY LITTLE SISTER IS COMING HOME TOMORROW!!!

Hang-out time

I'm pretty excited these days. My little sister is finally going to be done with school for the year and she'll be heading home in about a week. One of the best parts of summer is that she's around to hang out with. Granted, she often avoids me, ignores my phone calls, or sleeps until all hours of the afternoon in order to not have to hang out with me. But when I can catch her in a semi-showered state and make her feel guilty in front of Mom or entice her with the promise of alcohol then we have all sorts of fun together!

Dairy diary

Dairy products and I have a history. It begins somewhere around my eating butter by the finger full or using oyster crackers as a vessel for butter or sneaking half and half packets from any restaurant and drinking them in the back seat or doing the same with butter pats for that matter or begging to drink the cream that accompanied Dad's coffee....mmmm.

Wow, anyways, we've had our ups and downs. There was a time when I was known as 'Lactar' when I had a terrible time with lactose intolerance. Then most recently there was the year that I had to mostly abstain from dairy for the sake of my nursing babe. Oh, that was hard. There are some psychological repercussions that I'm still working through with that one. This may be reason #5732 why I'm done having kids.

We're good now, dairy and I. In fact we've entered into perhaps the most glorious phase of our relationship. I've started getting local raw milk that has exceeded any dream of fantastic milk that I may have had. It is simply the most delicious milk I have ever tasted. My family and I have turned into milk gluttons. We buy 3 gallons a week and from that I get enough cream to make ice cream and lighten my coffee, milk to make yogurt, and milk to drink. (If it were worth it, I'd make butter too, but it takes too much of my precious cream to do so.)

Hopefully dairy and I will be mutually affectionate from here on out. I don't care to give it up again. The idea of veganism was once appealing, but it is not for me. Neither are selfless acts of baby love anymore, for that matter.

I got to run today

I'm really angry. I feel like a bear that was dragged out of hibernation in January. So instead of being angry at the kids, I'm ignoring them and writing here.
I got to run today. I had a moderate run scheduled and I ran most of it. That's pretty awesome, really. It means that I'm improving a bit and that I may have a future in running. Not like , "kid, you've got a future in running ahead of you," spoken by my hardened New England coach. More like I will most likely be running in the future as opposed to walking all the time.

Shopping Bags

If there is one thing that I feel more guilty about than frequenting Wal-Mart it is the loads of plastic shopping bags that accompany those trips. The small cloth bag that stores them in my kitchen isn't cutting it anymore. I've literally taken garbage bags full of shopping bags out of my house recently.

So, this last weekend I made another step into the green and fashioned myself several reusable shopping bags. I bought 3 yards of ripstop nylon that was on sale for $4 a yard. I figured it would be tough, lightweight, washable, etc. I practiced with a couple of ideas that took far too long and looked far too shabby then I finally happened upon an idea that proved easy to cut out, put together, and hopefully durable enough for my hefty shopping.

This is my super sophisticated pattern for you to follow. I was an art major in college, can you tell? I started with a square of fabric that was folded over (that's the bottom seam.) Then I cut out the white parts and sewed the blue lines. Around the handle and the top of the bag was just overcasting to prevent the nylon from fraying. The sides I sewed together with an overcast stitch, then I folded the seam over and stitched over it with a more durable stitch. There's an official term for this, I'm sure, but I don't know what it is. I also squared off the bottom by folding in the bottom corners. What? Never mind. If you really want me to explain it to you call me and I'll tell you. (Or if you're not related to me and you want to know how, post a comment.)

Running update

Yeah, it was just as bad as I thought. I wasn't really running, just lobbing along then walking, then lobbing some more. It was kind of embarassing, considering I was dressed in my full running gear including spandex and sunglasses that make me look fast. Even my fast sunglasses couldn't salvage my image this time.

Retraining

I have been running off and on for about 3 years. I really enjoy it and attribute my stellar cardiovascular abilities and deep inner sense of calm to it (HA!) That's actually not true, but it's pretty good stress relief. Since I've been running, however, improvement seems to elude me. I feel like I'm able to get to this point and that's pretty much it.
For my birthday, my husband got me a heart rate monitor, per my request. I recently decided to use this to train more effectively so I found a training plan from a respectable site that has target heart rates for each run. I've been following it for about 2 weeks now and I have been amazed. I have to run really slowly. In fact there are times that I need to walk in order to keep my heart rate within a reasonable range. I have an 8 mile run this Saturday and as it looks right now it may be an 8 mile semi-brisk walk with water breaks.
I'm wondering if this has been my problem with not improving. I've constantly been over training and never working in the range that was actually beneficial. So, we will see. This plan has me working up to 10 miles so I can run the Steamboat Classic in June. I will be interested to see if I improve or if I end up walking the 15K. I know you're on the edge of your seats, so I'll keep you posted.

Buck up and be happy, damnit.

I'm trying to be less of a downer. I've been thinking a lot about myself, my life, and all of my blessings and burdens these days. I've been thinking about the girls and what I want to instill in them as they grow up. I've been thinking about my attitudes towards life and my life situations. And this is what I've come up with:
I have more blessings than I can recall and I have about 4 real burdens that get magnified with every hour of sleep I miss. The day's attitude almost entirely revolves around my attitude. If Mom is angry, the day is bad. If Mom is happy and resilient, very little can bring the day down. In regards to the kids, I want them to see me make the best of things rather than wallow in my distress.
Maybe it's just Spring, but I'm not going to let the little things get me down. I'm going to make a real effort to be positive and do things that I love to do and love the things that I have to do.

Earthquake

Early this morning I was awakened. Not by a kid yelling that she needed a drink, or needed to go peeps, or a baby falling off the bed, or kicking me in the neck. I woke up because our house was wobbling side to side and it felt like it was on a pool of jello. My body was swaying back and forth and I could hear the house shifting about. It wasn't a jerky motion at all, it was gentle and jiggly. I lay there feeling it and wondering first if it was wind, then realizing it must be an earthquake. I wondered if my husband who was asleep in the guest room (I've been sick) was awake. But mostly I worried that if I woke up and found out that there wasn't an earthquake that we'd have to move out of our house pronto because that could only mean that some house-wobbling ghosts had moved in.

It's like we don't even exist

My older sister is expanding her recreational painting into a business pursuit. Her pictures are great and everything, but as I reviewed her past work I noticed that something is missing, primarily me and my little sister. There are paintings of our parents, herself, our oldest sister, strangers, random fields, rivers, etc., but no little sisters. I sat and wondered why this might be. Do we not matter as much? Is she less fond of us? Are we not as cute?

Then it hit me. Our collective awkward years span so much time that, honestly, what pictures

could she use?

(NOT THESE)

Furthermore, if you consider my painful lack of photo finesse coupled with my little sister's exuberant choice of festive clothes, even the recently past years are non-negotiable.

I see now. I wouldn't paint us either

A great substitute

I love sweets, more than life sometimes. The year that I gave up sweets for Lent will always be branded on my mind as one of life's most memorable and trying experiences. It was like 6 weeks of childbirth.

But that is beside the point. The point is that I love sweets and I love making them. However, most cookie and brownie recipes call for a ton of butter or oil. I just don't like all the greasiness, it seems excessive most of the time. I usually use applesauce for 1/2 of the fat. It's a good substitute, but I have found better... the secret is yogurt. Plain, lowfat yogurt. It works wonderfully and gives the finished product a little extra flavor like using buttermilk would. I made chocolate chip cookie recipe like this and baked it in a 9x13 in. pan. The result was great, flavorful, tender, a bit healthier. I urge you to try.

updating

I just downloaded some pictures onto the computer so now I can visually update you with what I've been up to.

First there was my birthday. Mom stayed to have cake after my husband and I went sledding at the golf course.Eight days later, the little one had her first birthday. She got a 2 balls and a car. "Ball," was her first word.

Then we had a birthday party for the little one and my oldest sister's little one. The cousins posed for a picture after lunch.

After Arkansas, we stopped at our friends' house for a day. They're our only friends that are not related to us by blood. This is our big one and thier big one with souvenirs from the south.
The shirts are the souvenirs.

big sister's clothes

As a little sister I know that there is a great exhilaration when you get to wear your big sister's clothes. There was nothing like sneaking into my older sister's closet, finding a coveted piece, sneaking out, and getting away with wearing it in public. Oh, I can feel the adrenaline rush still.
My little one is following in my footsteps already. She loves clothes. During her birthday party in Arkansas my sister-in-law said "I have never seen a baby like getting clothes more than they liked toys." It's true. The little one would wrap each piece of clothing around her shoulders and say, "oh," and, "wow." This is an example of her trying on clothes after a shopping trip.

Today I found her trying to put her sister's hoodie over her head. I assumed she wanted to wear it, which she obviously did.

Becuase after an hour, she was still wearing it despite the fact that she had to compromise the use of her hands.

mommy...?

I forgot to write about my second to last day of marathon single parenting. It was terrible. My husband came home and I had to confess that "the girls got to see their mom act like a 2 year old tonight." I don't really remember how it all went down but it resulted in a) me throwing down a plastic coffee pot toy that made too much noise and breaking it into many pieces b) me repeatedly picking up and throwing down an alligator xylophone trying to break it into many pieces and c) me picking up an oppossom toy by the tail and beating it against the stairs. It was not very cool. The children were safely in another room, but I'm pretty sure that the big one got a little scared. When I was done I apologized and offered to buy a new coffee pot like the one that I broke. There's a sizeable knick in the floor from the xylophone. The opposum faired well, no visible signs of the event. I think it was a good indication that I needed some mental space.

rewards for a job well done

Yes, there was candy in the bathroom. There were two dishes, one containing Skittles, the other had M&M's. Granted, it was used as a reward for my neice who is potty training, but that didn't stop most of the adults from helping ourselves when we felt like we had accomplished great things.
Aside from the oddities of Arkansas life it was nice to be away for awhile. Really, it's just nice to come home after being away. You realize that home is not so bad. The same boring routine feels refreshingly familiar. You relish the predictability and the sense of (minor) control over your day. My mom always reminds me that it is important to get away, and every time I do I'm thankful that I did. There's nothing like the stress of traveling to make you praise the mundane life at home.

it's just been so long...

I know. This is why I thought I may be terrible at blogging.
Right now I'm in Arkansas, home of my inlaws. We left on Sunday after the birthday party for the little one and my oldest sister's little one. Shortly after leaving we encountered a snow storm that made the first 2 hours of driving slow and tense. Luckily, I was driving. Had I not been in the driver's seat I would have been barking directions from the passenger's seat. My husband has a little more self control than I so he managed to stifle his concerns for the most part. After we got through that we were about an hour behind and we had 8 more hours to go at 6:30pm. If you do the math, that would put us at our destination about 2:30am. If you know either of us you know that we are usually fast asleep by 9:30. Needless to say we chickened out and got a hotel room at 11. I'm glad we did, there was pretty bad fog in central Arkansas and it's a lot harder to drive in fog when you're asleep. We took it easy the next day and arrived here around noon. We have managed to sit around and eat for roughly 85% of the time (the other 15% is baby wrestling and sleeping.) There are always plentiful goodies around here, there's even candy in the bathroom. There are also roaving eyes, so I've gotta go.

bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy fun fun fun fun fun

For my birthday my mom got me a mini-trampoline also known as a rebounder. It's a lot like the little ones that we had as kids except it's made for adults so you don't have to fear breaking through it with every bounce. I asked for one because a) my older sister had one b) I want what my sisters have c) I needed some outlet for stress because I can't run right now.
The thing is awesome. The mat is tight enough that you can get some pretty good air. It brings back that little kid glee you felt as you jumped up and down for fun, an activity that would normally bring pain and suffering these days. It's a flashback to the excitement and fear of flying as a kid, even if its about 11 inches off the mat. The only down side that I don't remember as a kid is that it has a profound effect on my internal organs, specifically the end of my digestive tract. I have to pee every few minutes and I can't seem to shake the general feeling of having to poo. Hopefully as I use it more these sensations will subside, but even if they don't, I will gladly bounce my way to high spirits.

Birthday Cake

I made a really really really good cake for my birthday. It's called a "Better Than Sex Cake." I have made a different version of this involving yellow cake, sour cream, lots of butter, chocolate, nuts, and cream cheese frosting. It is a favorite around here and I may post that recipe later. But I was perusing online recipes and this one came up and it was indeed fantastic.
It calls for a Devil's Food cake and you can use a mix, but I used a recipe from online that turned out well. You need a can of sweetened condensed milk, a jar of caramel ice cream topping, a bag of toffee bits, and a container of whipping cream. In a saucepan combine the milk and caramel (leave about 1/4 the jar of caramel to decorate with) and let it warm up and mix together. After you bake the cake as directed, you let it cool for 5 minutes then poke holes all over it with a wooden spoon handle. Pour the caramel mixture all over the cake and let it soak in. Then sprinkle the toffee bits on top while it's still warm. Refrigerate it for a few hours or a day or however long. The longer it sits, the more the cake soaks up the liquid. Whip the cream up with a little sugar and vanilla, but don't make it too sweet because the cake is super sweet. Top the cake with the whipped cream, drizzle on the rest of the caramel, sprinkle on some toffee (if you saved some.) It's delicious, like a giant candy bar. Rissy would call it rich.

Today is my birthday

Today I turn the wise age of 26. As my little sister said, "that's old, but not as old as [my husband.] You'll never be quite as old as he is." (Or something to that effect.)
I had a really wonderful birthday, which is saying a lot since the last 5 or so have been grand disappointments. I tend to set myself up for birthday failures. I feel uncomfortable being celebrated. I never have a list of things I want because I could conceivably get things for myself. I have a hard time letting others do things for me. I feel awkward at my "party", I don't get anything I want, and I end up making up my own birthday and feeling unloved. It's sad and honestly ridiculous so this year I didn't do it. I actually asked for something and got it. I planned things that I wanted to do and did them. I made an amazingly good cake (recipe will follow) and really enjoyed it. Plus my husband was home all day (the first time in 3 weeks.) It was great and I had a really wonderful day.

Pants

Today my older sister has offered to watch the kids so that I can escape for some time alone. I was telling my husband about this and how when I have these opportunities I ultimately feel like they get wasted. (Not that kind of wasted, Kalin.) When I get in the car alone it feels empty. It's nice to drive without playing the color game, but it's a shock to not have ideas siphoned into my head by a 4 year old. Space is the thing that I really want, but I'm so out of practice that it feels lonely in a whole different way. I think that this is the great paradox of motherhood.
On my journey out I am going shopping for pants. For the last year I have been buying clothes that I assumed would fit at a future time thinking, "surely these will be awesome in a couple of months when I can fit them." (I speculated that while nursing and running I would return to my pre-pregnancy size quickly like I had with my first daughter.) So for the past 6 months I have had very little to wear that actually fits me and lots of clothes that "I'll be able to fit soon." But soon has not been soon and may never be. Yesterday I had to venture up to the attic to dig out old maternity jeans. That is when I decided that I need to go shopping. With my husband earning lots of money working all day I will set out with debit card in hand and build me a wardrobe for me now.

Whole wheat 101

When I cook I prefer to use whole wheat flour. By "prefer" I mean that I almost exclusively use it. I make whole wheat bread, muffins, cookies, brownies, and crackers. I even make whole wheat gravy. This is mostly because I don't have other flour on hand, but it works just as well. However, there are very few exceptions when I do use regular flour. These being: gifts for other people (who have less of an appreciation for whole wheat) and recipes that just do not work with whole wheat (angel food cake being the primary example.) White flour seems like a waste of nutrients and I have come to prefer the taste and texture of whole wheat. I like my pasta hearty, my muffins dense and grainy, and my cookies questionably darker than their less nutritious counterparts.

Pancakes

Of course my life in not entirely filled with sadness! There is some genuine joy sprinkled in here and there. One thing that I love is cooking. It is one activity that I enjoy almost all the time and it is one thing that I can do pretty well with my older daughter. Yesterday, we woke up before 5 and decided to make pancakes. They turned out to be the best pancakes I have made, and I make pancakes at least once a week. The recipe is as follows:

1 c. whole wheat graham flour
1 T. baking powder
1 T. brown sugar
1/4 t. salt
1 c. (scant) of milk
2 eggs (slightly beaten)
1 1/2 t. vanilla
1/3 c. unsweetened applesauce

Mix dry ingredients in a bowl. Add wet ingredients and stir just until blended. Don't overmix, if you do the pancakes will be tough as opposed to tender and delicious. Cook on a griddle that is well greased with butter (for the best flavor) or cooking spray (for the healthier option.) Serve with butter and real maple syrup for the best of the best results.

The present and the future

Last night I was online during my moments of solitude (when everyone is asleep) and I happened upon this set of questions to ask yourself about where you are now.

How much time to I spend on enjoyable activities?
What are these activities?
What feelings occupy most of my time?
What thoughts occupy most of my time?
What activities occupy most of my time?
What types of activities do I now do to help me cope with stress, conflicts, and difficult emotions?
How much time is allotted for growth and development?
How much time do I spend alone, with others?
Is this time enjoyable? Fulfilling?
How much time is spent on activities that challenge and excite?
What are these activities?
How many of my day's activities would I rather not be doing?

All of my answers were like, "I never spend any time doing enjoyable things." "There is no time for growth." "I would rather not be doing any of my daily activities." And so forth.
Then you meditate on a future time and answer the same questions. I realized that while my general sense of the present in dark, boring, and stifling, my vision for the future was basically me dancing through a sun-lit world being creative and loving and happy. It was sad really, how awful I felt about my present situation. But it was nice to have a glimps of a future that could be fairly near.

Parenting 101

I fully realize that I am in the worst of it. I'm at home with 2 young kids and my husband is working 12 hours a day for 7 days a week. It's temporary, but it still sucks.
It amazes me how, as a mother, I am never alone. Even if (by the grace of God) I am not physically with another human being, my children are always with me. There are the obvious blessings of this, but that's not what I'm here to talk about right now. I don't know how people can choose to be with children all day. They demand so much mental space and yet there is so little satisfying interaction. Days are spent monitoring, mediating, serving, fixing, supporting. There is no time to tend to myself - not in the showering, eating, and sleeping way, but the emotional and spiritual way. I have nothing to do all day, but I have no time to do anything that I really want to. It wears me down until I become an angry and loathing mother. I don't know how to be a loving, engaging, supportive parent when I'm "on" all the time. This is why God did not make humans asexual. If we could create children without any help then we would have to care for them without any help and the human race would probably have ended a long time ago.